About two and half years ago I sat on the floor of the bedroom belonging to a young man I was sorta-maybe-what's actually going on-casually "dating", attempting to nonchalantly convince him he should stop seeing other people and try to focus on just me. He was a bit of a stereotypical modern day 20-something bachelor: lived with 2 single friends, was extremely financially successful, always called the shots, and was searching for something but probably didn't quite know what. I sat on the floor of his bedroom and pretended it didn't hurt when he hesitated to respond, and (probably unconvincingly) shrugged it off when he told me he didn't think he could do that because...and I cringe quote..."I can't imagine turning down an opportunity to get to know someone better who has sparked my interest." So I batted my eyes. And I played it "cool" (read: so uncool). And then, even after hearing his complete disinterest in anything beyond getting precisely what he wanted (my feelings be damned), I still encouraged him to attend a company trip to Tahoe with me, free of charge, as my date. We'll have fun!, I proclaimed, internally squashing down all my better judgements against such a proposition. I gave away all my power to this person, and it naturally ended up...ending. Unpleasantly. Suffice to say, there is quite a bit of smh within this memory. Regrets o'clock, if you will. Looking back now I am acutely aware that this was, at the time, a direct reflection of what I perceived my worth to be. You could look at this scene and mutter pathetic under your breath, and I wouldn't fault you. But I also have a lot compassion for this memory, as it helps me to see how my efforts to turn the page from being so needy for love to a story about cultivating self succulence were not exercised in vain. Here's why: Today is my wonderful boyfriend's 29th birthday. And I tell the above story because he came into my life at a very key turning point. After a few fumbled attempts at dating post divorce I took the advice of my beautiful friend Kelly by swearing off all prospects (from a quick drink, to a set up, to a casual group "thing", I was unavailable) and signing up for 4 months of glorious me, myself and I time. My self worth grew and grew; my trust in the process strengthened. And wouldn't you know, at the very end of those 4 months, B happened to message me on Facebook to catch up and well....the rest is history. B is made of the good stuff. He's not the type to need to call the shots all of the time, and while he was hesitant to be exclusive at the start of our budding relationship due to the 3k distance between us, he always made sure to partner his indecision with kindness, patience, and respect. (And has since made up for that hesitance by diving head first into moving to my corner of the world). He never made me feel pathetic, and always made me laugh. He was (and is!) responsive, communicative, caring and loving. I knew in my heart that I could trust him, always; that through our ups and downs he would never go "radio silent" or shy away from vulnerable moments. He calls me on my crap, but also quickly forgives said crap. The crap is then joked about later, much to his delight. He is my friend, my partner, my roommate and my love. I am thankful for my past relationship kerfuffles because I know they not only prepared me for B, but they pushed me to face and forgive some rather uncomfortable realities about myself. And that is something I have no regrets about. So here is what I wish to tell my old single self, and perhaps the only piece of advice to other single folk I feel confident in giving: You are worthy. You are worthy of someone who does not abuse the unfortunate emotional powers behind technology and social media; someone who respects you as a human being, first, and acts in kind. You are worthy of a partner who takes you as you are, and works toward shared growth. You are worthy of a person who is ready to be with you. Do you understand that part? It was the hardest for me to accept. Because until you meet that person, you should embrace the chance to wholly, lovingly, joyfully be with yourself. Happy Birthday, B! Thank you for being such a catch (and helping me feel like one, too). Let the celebrations begin :) love and light, Trish
3 Comments
1/16/2014 12:26:02 am
happy birthday, b! Cheers to you both and to your love. I love the love! And thanks, Trish -- we are ALL worthy! :)
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Trish
1/17/2014 03:20:23 am
Hi Icy--This is a great question. I think the most important thing we can do for our friends is continue to let them know, and showing them, just how worthy they are. Be honest with your feelings and perceptions on the situation, but make sure to let her know you support her in her choices. With time, they will see the light. Continue to be patient as she finds her way; love will guide her more quickly than judgement, shame, or frustration. I love this video on empathy from a Brene Brown talk, as I think it embodies why vulnerable human connection is so important for our healing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
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