 Many years ago, I (accidentally) started a habit of thought whenever I have to enter into cold water. Stepping into the waves of the Jersey shore, my breath catching in sharp inhale as my muscles squeeze in request for retreat, I found myself yelping “I’m alive! I’m alive!” out loud - a mantra of sorts, a praise-full reminder, of the treasure to my body becoming engulfed in all the sensations of the sea. Plunging beneath the surface, chills shaking down my spine, the mantra screams in my head. A way of snapping into now, pushing past discomfort to find the heart of it all: I am alive. What a miracle. “mama, I want to hold you” … …covered in sand, salty wet legs, sticky snack fingers…I’ll take it all, baby, to hold you and watch the waves on a sunny, breezy beach day. 🌊 Because here with you? I’m alive, I am alive. And you, sweet Saylor, are a miracle.
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 finally sleeping through (most) nights now equals 5:30am daily wakes up.
and so in my coffee fueled haze I remind myself: everything is on loan. grasp your friends hands to tell her with urgency, she is a light in your life sniff your sons head after a day near the ocean to inhale the perfect perfume of sand, sun and sea catch frogs with your daughter in muddy bare feet, and feel the vibration of her delighted squeals invite your dad over for sushi and chit chat, grateful for his generous, safe, love towards all your children tell a few trusted souls how tired you are, how solo parenting 24/7 in long stretches of days brings new appreciation for all the women doing it alone, for longer sit in the morning light, listening to the song of tiny, red chested birds and the distant rooster from the farm beyond the woods. hold your early riser, the child with neon blonde hair, close to your chest while he insists on more nursing and more nursing. let a tear fall with mixed gratitude and exhaustion. live a full, rich, meaningful life. rest in small moments. in one day at a time, happiness will follow. |