Hello Grateful Lifers!

Holy smokes, it's my 5 year blogiversary with TGL, and we've never been stronger! I love her more today than I ever thought possible, because I truly love you, my readers. AND it's Thanksgiving, one of the greatest days of the year for my tummy, and worst for my stretch pants! 

On this year's anniversary, I am extremely excited to announce that I am volunteering with one of my favorite non-profits, Team Tassy, on their Run Across Haiti 2016: A 230 mile race over 8 days, all in support of dignified jobs, life saving health care, and educating the world on the powerful potential within our human brothers & sisters. This group and their mission is incredible, and I am honored to be contributing in a small way to their continued success.

Plus, hello, these faces. So worth it, amirite?

It’s especially meaningful to me this year because my favorite brother from another mother + soon to be bro-in-law, Frank, will be running all 230 miles of the ultra marathon -- #gofrankgo! As I frequently remind Brandon, I only run if I’m being chased...and even then, I’m more likely to consider playing dead, first. So yes -- feel free to be super impressed by Frankito. I know I am! Also pretty honored to share this experience with him :)

Leading up to the event I’ll be hustling for some key marketing + social partners or sponsors. So, if you know of any running organizations or groups, corporations, media folk or fundraising teams who you think may be a fit, I would be extremely grateful for an introduction.

During the actual trip I’ll join the team for blogging, photographing, cheerleading, runner’s aid, social media-ing and soaking up all of the beautiful energy the culture + communities of Haiti have to offer. Follow Team Tassy on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook to share in the journey and get a peek at some of my photography along the way!

To help fund my volunteer trip in February, I’m expanding my coaching hours to include (for a limited time) $25 sessions. Basically, the first $25 (or above) donations up to $1500 snags you some introspective, goal-nurturing phone time with me :) If you or someone you know has been considering coaching, this is a great way to get introduced to the process. Because really, what’s the best that could happen? Once I reach my travel goal of $1500, your donations go directly towards Team Tassy’s programs through Frank's fundraising page. 

ALL donations of any amount automatically enter you to win a fun giveaway with The Grateful Life. More details on that to come next week, but I promise you will like it! (Cross my heart). It will work like a raffle: every $5 snags you a ticket. The more tickets, the better your odds!

So, if you’re not interested in coaching but would like to donate, there is still a bit of extra incentive, and I extremely grateful! {<---huge understatement}

Your continued support and authentic, open hearts make my spirit feel big every dang day. Thank you for helping me pay it forward!!

Please let me know if you have any questions or would like more info. Keep checking into The Grateful Life for fun updates…(especially look out for more on that super giveaway!)...

In Summary:

1. Have a marketing or PR connection/lead for Team Tassy + the Run Across Haiti? Message me!

2. Follow on social to cheer on the runners + see the beauty of Haiti!

3. Donate $25 or higher for both a coaching session with me and an entry to a TGL giveaway.

4. Donate ANY amount, and be entered into the TGL giveaway/raffle! Just $5 per ticket!
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Wishing you a beautiful holiday filled with love + gratitude.


Find and follow the good path,

Tricia

...and anyway, you can always skip down a few paragraphs to where I offer up a different perspective on all of this, or just enjoy my selection of memes and gifs.

[Gentle reminder: We can be very serious about these things, without taking ourselves too seriously.]

This essay is about you, J, and the millions of other women who have wondered these thoughts about themselves as well. This essay is just a drop in the bucket to the various degrees of which this question of worth has been explored by females across the planet; from equality in the workplace, to having a voice in their communities or an input in their fates, to combating the rampant horrors of sex slavery, abuse, and archaic patriarchal practices still in use worldwide.

Female hearts everywhere stumble with fear of failure or imperfection because it is frankly a result of the systemic inequality that continues to exist.

In summary: This 50% confidence of yours? It is not all your fault.

But, there is hope.

Michelle. Malala. Sheryl + Cheryl. Hilary.

​Glennon. Liz.

​Stevie. Gloria. Amy + Tina + Mindy.

Sisters Oprah + Gayle.

Lena. Emma. Coretta + Maya + Susan B.

Lady + Bey. Angelina + Meryl. 

The Women of Wakanda. 

Every damn one of my beloved Golden Girls.

There are sisters all over the globe, past and present, who inspire me and millions of others in their unique and powerful ways to continue finding courage within themselves, and to pay that forward. ​
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To be very transparent, I keep waiting for someone to rip me apart on the coaching work and words that I share here. I keep waiting for someone to shine a light directly in my face for official interrogation of who the hell I think I am, or what makes me qualified to write in these ways to people who are trusting me to be honest, compassionate and maybe even helpful.

I, too, question myself quite often. I wonder where my confidence sneaks off to in moments where I need it most. I worry that my work is not meaningful, or good enough.
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But you know what else? I am no longer beating myself up for not being confident 24/7. I am learning to cherish my solid 50% rate. And I am fortunate to have found meaningful ways of rebounding from triggered, negative self talk more + more quickly, tipping the scale closer to 60, 75, even 80% on occasion.

Making me feel like:

I would love to share some of my strategies with you, if that’s ok? 

(I’m pretending you said OK! with an air fist pump of enthusiasm)

J -- It is impossible to live an unjudged life.

When I take a moment to remember this truth, it is always instantly at least a little bit easier to breathe, and make moves. If I am looking for a perfect performance of pleasing and proving, I’ve taken myself out of the race before I’ve even made a single step. And that is a real buzz kill.

Next, think of 3 people in your life whose opinions you value, primarily because you know they love, trust, understand, and appreciate you. These are the people whom, as Brene Brown says, are “in the ring” with you. These are the people to think of when your confidence begins to wane. No one else -- start with just those three. Keep their images close, and know that even though they might not be connected to your work in any way, you can use their confidence in you to help lift your spirit. Everyone else, be damned.

Surround yourself with the energy of positive women, J. Be vulnerable with them, and hold space for their truths, too. 

Then, focus on the work at hand. What feels like the right decisions to make with the knowledge you have (ahem, those brains you mentioned)? I really like this quote from President Obama in his Humans of New York interview (see, I like boys, too! I’m quoting a real live male!):
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J, I’m so glad we could have this little chat. I’m now currently listening to Whitney Houston belt out “I’m Every Woman”, in case you were interested in an exit song. Kesha's "WOMAN" is also lighting me up these days. 
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So cheers to you, your continued success, and growing practice of building confidence: To kicking ass and taking names like a girl.


And remember: "If your nerve deny you, go above your nerve." - Dickinson
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love and light and sisters, unite!

Trish

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K,

Please know that everything I’m about to say to you comes with a deep understanding of your hurt, and that not for one single second do I deny your feelings are real, important or truth. In essence, I want you to know I believe you, and do not wish to diminish where you are in your healing process.

I say this because my honest reply to you on moving on, continuing to heal, and “getting over” your sadness is kind of shitty. When people say to me what I’m about to say to you, I sort of want to punch them in the baby-makers (even when I know they are correct). So I’m glad this exchange is via email, because you are tiny, but mighty, and I am old now and not as quick with my reflexes….
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Here is one thing I know for sure: The 'solution' to getting over it -- the thing that is most deeply, naturally programmed in our DNA--- lies in trusting in time and space; in leaning into the old cliche of 'time heals all wounds' with a degree of resigned acceptance. It is genuinely applicable in this situation, at least in the sense that time eases all wounds. Time offers new perspectives, even if we never fully recover. And the second thing I know for sure is that the cracks of our broken hearts and aching souls allow for the light you mentioned to come in, whether we like it or not, so we’d better get familiar with them.

And I know this is hard to hear because it probably feels like you don’t have the time; that it’s as if though you are losing a bit of yourself each day, that the missing him grows in waves of intensity moment to moment as you swirl over new unanswered questions. That you’d perhaps rather take any other route of shoving every distraction, trick, numbing technique into those cracks just to stop the hurting for a little while. Screw the light, I just want to feel better, kind of thing.

This is all so very normal, sweet girl. And arguably an essential part of the process.

One thing that can be a struggle to admit out loud is that maybe you’re not actually ready to be over him.  Is that possible? As much as we can sit here and say things like “I just want to heal” and can think thoughts of “I wish I could wake up and have him erased from my memory” (and there are, undeniably, moments when we really do want this, as the tangible ache through the body is so hard to ignore and function with)...at the same time, we find ourselves energetically clinging on to them for dear life. We become terrified to be without them; to know ourselves and to understand love in their absence. To think, “what the f*ck would that even look like?”. If I had to paint an image of my own hurting soul during times of loss like this it might look as though I had claws digging into a person’s legs as they try to step away. Dramatic...desperate, even...but genuinely struggling to let go.

​Just one more answer, we crave.

Though I know you’ve never had a substance abuse problem, it probably feels like this is the emotional equivalent of withdrawal. We re-play all of our times together over and over and over in our minds to find the clues. We reread emails or texts several times a day, just to a get a “fix”. We check Facebook or Instagram, clicking through photos that we’ve seen a dozen times before, in an effort not lose the picture of his face in our minds. It can be so overwhelming, and confusing.

​I think we do these things to ourselves partially because we miss them. We want to see them, hear from them, know them again. But I also think we crave this kind of closure because there is a side of us that wants him or her to see *us*...to remind them of all the things they loved: your laugh, your perfume, your physique, etc..

This is a particularly difficult truth about any break up I have ever been through: The idea of becoming a faded memory, or worse, some kind of a regret, eats us alive. We want, maybe even need, to have profoundly mattered, and cannot make peace with this potentially no longer being so.

We deeply want to be thought of, likely with the same intensity with which we ourselves remember.

It had to have been real, right?
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I also want to tell you about something scientific I recently learned (stick with me -- I promise it’s good!): Basically, the human brain is programmed to get a hit of dopamine (the happy drug) when we recognize and complete patterns. So, when we figure something out like a math equation or a mystery or a riddle, we mentally get rewarded. The problem with this is that we get the same hit of dopamine when we finish a story, or draw a conclusion; the brain recognizes a beginning, middle + end pattern...regardless of whether that conclusion is actually accurate! In order to subconsciously receive this hit of dopamine, we very often make up the ending to our varied unfinished stories, and become certain of them. From what you wrote, I am going to assume you are making up quite a bit right now to help get the answers you didn’t fully receive. I’d wager it’s not a pretty conclusion.

Look. Men are so very different than women in a plethora of ways, the most infuriating of which (in my humble, non-scientific, absolutely generalizing opinion) is the ease of compartmentalizing things. Their brains are like neatly organized attics of boxes: put memory A here, and memory B there, and then close it up and don’t open it again. Meanwhile, women’s brains are the most complex spiderwebs. Everything is connected, we trap all memories together. It’s utter bullshit, if you ask me. And yet it is also a blessing for us women, to be able to care and connect and empathize so deeply because of it. Despite all of the times this sticky mental web has gotten me into a pickle, I’m not sure I’d choose to be programmed any other way.

So what do we do, once we have given our trust to time and space? How do we ease the in-between while we put our faith in the process of them doing their jobs?

For one thing, remind yourself often that you do matter.

What would it feel like to affirm to yourself that you did matter, you do matter, and that if you’re going to be assuming things and making up conclusions for that hit of dopamine, you might as well assume the best?

What is the absolute best assumption you can make of yourself in relation to this break up? You were a good partner. You will be again. Play these messages on repeat.

Try to shut down the replay whenever possible. And maybe consider disengaging from the technology based connections that give you a false fix of remembering, and prolong the suffering of withdrawal. It's a difficult, but powerful step in the modern world of relationships we live in.

Lean on your girlfriends. Let them love you, hug you, watch movies, have wine. It is so wonderful to have sisters in this world (both related and non), so do not feel as though you have to hide your pain or shame from the women who see you, and care for you. Let their light shine on and seep into those cracks. Let them help carry the weight of your hurt. We are built for this job, us sisters. We are strong for each other in almost super natural ways.

Then, be your own friend. Wake up on a Sunday morning and ask “K, what would you like to do today?”. Do beautiful things with just you. Take a walk with a cup of coffee. Sit in the sun for a few moments with your pup. Wink at yourself in the mirror while saying “hi cutie!”. Listen to good music. Read books like Tiny Beautiful Things, or The Four Agreements, or Stitches, or Carry On, Warrior. Dance, dance, dance. Bake something decadent and share it with no one. Color in a Disney coloring book. Buy a new plant and sing it a song. The details don’t matter -- just make it something beautiful, for you.

When 5 whole minutes go by without your thinking of him, give yourself a fist bump. Or a piece of chocolate. And then when 10 whole minutes go by, give yourself two.

Don’t beat yourself up for the timing of your process. Speaking kindly to ourselves in these times of great hurt is the absolute best, and most necessary, gesture we can make. In fact -- hang up a photo of cute K as a baby in a place you’ll see it every day. Remember that you would never say mean things to that sweet face, so why do it now?

And when being inside our own heads is too much, we can choose to look out. Not searching, per se, but rather noticing. Noticing the details of a woman’s dress. Noticing the color and shape of the clouds in the sky. Noticing the feel of that cup of coffee on your walk, the smell of the changing seasons. Counting the birds in a tree, the freckles on our hands, our breath as we take each step .

Bit by bit, pieces of your soul will begin to return to you.

One of my favorite artists once said (after her fiance unexpectedly left her) that it was a heavenly moment to realize she didn’t want to be with someone who wasn’t ready for her; she wanted to be with someone who couldn’t get enough of her.

I know this can be true for you, too.

All my love,

Trish

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Author's Note: This essay was edited from a personal email exchange, with generous permission from the reader (and loved one). I applaud her willingness to take a painful, private, and vulnerable request for compassion and turn it into an open space for shared empathy. To stay up to date on posts, and to be a part of even more shared compassion and good vibes, sign up for TGL Letters here. 

 Note: This post was sponsored by Brandon Fell. Thanks for your BevMo shopping, babe!

Pumpkin, pumpkin everywhere. Pastas, soups, cakes, coffees, candies, and most favorably: beers.

How in the world do you choose between the various fall-flavored libations before November quickly creeps into December, leaving us sans pumpkin and facing a plethora of ginger snap, mulled, cranberry and clove spices?

Please. It would be our honor to help you. 

We recruited cousin Meggie and her fab fiance, Jonny, to aid us with our sampling in their charming apartment. This proved to be a most excellent decision as a) Jonny had all the right buzz word descriptions for each beer, which I will now blatantly copy, b) their puppy, Fritz, is to LIVE for cute and c) 2 tipsy cousins are usually better than 1. 

Here we go! In no particular order, with 1-10 rankings from everyone, and taken word for word from my in-the-moment notes. Seven random pumpkin beers we grabbed off the shelves (and split one for each round). 

1. Jack-O Traveler Pumpkin Shandy

This beer ended up being my favorite. I really enjoy the heightened level of crisp carbonation and true pumpkin + nutmeg spices. I also feel I can have more than one with a meal (maybe this isn't a plus?), versus feeling too overwhelmed with pumpkin. I love that the founder (according to commercials) claims to have never been good at holding a job, so he combined his two passions; beer + traveling, to start his own company. I gave it an 8!

J: 5. It's too sweet up front. Kind of like a pumpkin soda. Bleck. No more for me, but good if you really like a pumpkin pie taste.

M: 7.5. It's similar in pumpkin pie flavor to Leinenkugel, but without the artificial taste.

​T: Yes, good call Meggie!

B: 6.5. (he's a man of few words)
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​Click below for more!

Fridays tend to feel a little wild, weird and frisky, don't they?

​Current mood:

​And also...
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Happy Weekend!

​-Trish