waiting to exhale

Trish,

One of my biggest challenges these days is that I feel like I'm going through the motions of life, but almost too exhausted to actually experience it.

...Since I don't have children and my life has been very similar over the past several years, it's hard to feel like I've accomplished anything. I'm left with the feeling that I thought I would be so much further along in life (whatever that means).  Having nothing to do with death...how do you measure what you've done in life if you don't have milestone markers like marriage and children??

- D

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 Hi D,

Thank you for asking this very important question.

I would like to start by telling you that of the last 25+ emails I have received through TGL, more than half contain messages with a similar theme. These messages are from people just like you and me, and are varied, unique, vulnerable and raw in their specifics.  But they all basically wonder the same thing.

I love these messages.

You see, the issue of "existing" vs. really living is something that has come up a lot lately, in both my work with clients as well as personal relationships. It’s important for me to remind you that you are not alone, and point out you've also already started a crucial part of this next process in posing an important question to yourself: "I thought I would be further along in life...whatever that means".

I also desperately need to ask you: What life script are you referring to? You know -- the one outlining marriage and children and other acceptable milestone markers? Where did you get it, and, more importantly, may I borrow your copy? Because, somehow or another, I seem to have been overlooked during the delivery of these. Or maybe I just misplaced mine very early on, since, as B likes to remind me, I tend to lose a lot of things. And truly, I would love to have this script in hand for future reference in all decision making so that I can really nail it next time, A+ style. It's been a little rocky living in improv, and it sounds nice to be directed for once....

I kid, of course.

​But worry this is a pandemic level of emotional struggle; this losing sleep over a script to life that most certainly cannot exist.

Now, I say these next few things knowing that I actually don’t know if you want or wanted marriage and children. If there have been painful circumstances that have denied these desires for you, I’m truly sorry. I recognize that these can be deeply rewarding soul-cravings. So I cannot say with any confidence that my words will begin to heal you of those potentially missing pieces. What I can say, however, is that they are also in no way, shape, or form, the only possible markers of a well lived life.

Listen, I'm going to be very blunt about this, but please know that my tone is dripping with compassion: What is the price you are paying, and for what, exactly?​ It sounds to me like exhaustion is no longer working, if it has ever worked for you. It sounds to me like your spirit is clawing at you to find meaning in something that fits precisely with who you are, and clawing in a manner that feels as though a clock is ticking. It’s that serious. And so you keep racing -- away from this, or frantically towards that -- whatever this&that may be at any given moment. And most of all it sounds to me as though your breath has been labored, not from deep, nourishing inhales of mindful presence, but from holding it in until your being can be recognized as an authentic life, fully lived.

Like my beloved Whitney Houston once sang -- you're waiting to exhale, baby.

I can relate. There was a not so distant time in my life that felt extremely difficult to breathe in. I watched my friends and acquaintances begin to settle into what I perceived to be their truths around me -- parenthood, careers, marriages, home ownerships, etc.  Lots of those acceptable milestone measurements. Meanwhile, I was divorcing and job searching and pinching pennies. I distinctly remember looking around one particularly tough day and thinking “I am far too old, to have so much nothing.”

Of course, this was not my real truth. But it’s very hard to know that, when you are waiting to exhale.

I also remember an old, very accomplished friend once telling me that he did not feel he had anything to be proud of in life. His multiple degrees, lengthy world travels, successful career advancements were all technically things, he reckoned, “anyone could do”...so they didn’t seem like things to feel pride in. He was not a negative person. He was simply quite sure he had not yet found the magic place where being & doing energies meet, that felt most authentic to him, to the extent he could be proud of his life for himself. Not others, or a script, or a checklist. But really for himself. This stuck with me for years after I last saw him, and occasionally still makes me pause on my journey as I take next steps.

So what was I, or him, or you actually missing?

More specifically, D: What does a life fully lived mean to you? How do you want to feel while living this full life?

Where are you saying "yes" when you actually want to scream "f*ck no!" ... Where are you saying no, when you so desperately wish to cheer "f*ck yes!"?

What's the big fear here? What is the scariest shit you can think of happening, if you don't hit those scripted, check-box milestones; all while trading in being extremely present with who you are to others and self, for mere existing exhaustion?

What is the fear in slowing down long enough to gently, curiously, consider “whatever that means?”

There is a really great line at the beginning of The Artist’s Way where the author, Julia Cameron, speaks on the common fear of time + goals + oh god it’s too late for me: “But do you know how old I will be by the time I learn to really play the piano / act / paint / write a decent play?’ Yes . . . the same age you will be if you don't.”

Milestones are not a place of satisfaction to arrive at, once and for all, to signify you’re done and happy now, so hallelujah, pour mama a drink! Set that goal for yourself, and be prepared to always be at least a little disappointed. They are part of life in motion, because life is just fluid, shifting energies. They are reflecting back on all of the times you joyfully belly laughed with people who really see you. And on times of great loss, too, that remind you of your humanity and your sensitive heart. It is a living, breathing, brutal but worthy practice that never ends.

So I say this to you: start being lovingly curious while you exhale.

And maybe, throw out the script.

Burn it.

Bury it.

Make origami swans from its pages, I don’t really care.

Whomever wrote it was drunk or mental or Republican, anyway. I’m sure of it.

D, you already are further along in life. Every passing year you stand on this earth is proof of this.

It’s just up to you how you choose to be fully present in your practice, how you wish to deeply experience it, and with what perspective you look back: from a place of lack, or abundance? With gratitude, or regret?

If the motions of life are no longer serving you, then honey -- I beg you -- change the rhythm. This power, and permission, has not left. Your truth is waiting.


All my love,

Trish