for sage

When it comes to writing, I'd say the most repeated piece of advice I continue to get from those who have managed to make a career of the craft is to, simply, write what you know.

And while I have not been the best at more regularly posting on TGL, what I know today is worth taking a break from the hustle of starting my own business to acknowledge that my family said goodbye to a longtime loyal and loving friend. 

A part of me genuinely wanted to be embarrassed about the weepy mess I had collapsed into when I heard the news it was time -- she's a cat, my ego said, pull yourself together. 

But the other, more knowing, part of my soul let me cry unabashedly into B's shoulder while he sweetly held me close (after bringing home flowers and "cat themed" treats like goldfish, Hello Kitty fruit snacks & a Kit Kat bar...because, truly, he is the best). The knowing part of me let it all out, practicing the art of self baptizing so I could focus more on how lucky I am to have loved her.

Sagey moved with me from my childhood home into the first apartment I'd ever shared with a boy, who happened to be my husband at the time. And although I do like to keep certain aspects of my life more private than others, there's no need to sugar coat that this was a difficult time for us. I was deeply depressed and unsettled, to say the very least. 

So while I don't wish to share much about who I was during that chapter, it feels important to shine a light on who Sage was to me. In the most lost, loneliest time of my life my tiny buddy never left my side. This is no exaggeration -- my ex would regularly comment or laugh at the levels of "obsessed" Sage and I were with one another. She snuggled close to me while I slept, every single night, stretching & molding herself into the funniest big spoon you'd ever see. She'd find a way to sit on my lap at every other hour of the day, too, which was a lot considering I worked from home -- book, computer, plate, laundry be damned -- squeezing her chubby body onto any available space, knowing I could never resist her and would eventually oblige by clearing room for her to become more comfortable. Her sandpaper tongue insisted on daily baths of my nose, hands, arms...whatever inch of my skin was exposed close enough to her face. She would lick anyone she loved until raw, if they let her. 

And because I am proudly one of "those" people who believe in the profound meaning behind loving an animal, I do not bat an eye in saying I know in my gut she sensed the depths of my sadness during this time; I know in my gut her constant affection and innocent dependence on me kept me waking up every morning with a glimmer of hope and love for my life still alive and dancing. 

She forgave me for leaving her in NJ to selfishly move to California a year later, something I hope to forgive myself for one day, too. Though I suppose I really have nothing to feel badly about, since she bounced right back into finding inches of lap space on my caring parents, not missing a beat in becoming the well-loved queen of their house once again.

My goodness. It's amazing how such tiny beings, never once uttering a single word but teaching and showing us so much, can wiggle their way into the cracks of our hearts. It's just an incredible gift to love an animal like this, don't you think? Heart expanding work worth every hairball and litter box cleaning, I'd say.

She passed peacefully today, our Sage. Thanks to the whole hearted and gentle efforts of my mom and veterinary Uncle, she did not suffer or feel fear. I feel confident this is as it should be, even though I'm really freaking sad. You guys -- I can't believe how freaking sad I am.

And I know some folks may have stopped reading a few paragraphs ago, considering this essay is about a cat. But Sagey girl was my little slice of purry, furry joy, and I will miss her.

She was f*cking awesome.

Love you always, lady lion. Thank you for being a friend.