dear baby: on marriage

find a partner who looks at your twirling like this :)

Dear Baby,

Your dad and I are taking the day to celebrate our one year wedding anniversary. Bubba (this is what I call your father, feel free to adopt it, too, if you like) calls it “Trishmas”, which I really love, especially when he puts this name into favorite Christmas songs. Like: “I’lllllllll be hooooommee for Trishmas…..” or “All I want for Trishmas, is YOU!” kinda deal.  It truly, delightfully, never gets old.

Anyway. It’s been one year since we celebrated becoming husband and wife with a few close friends and family members in a rental home at the Jersey Shore, exchanging vows lead by Aunt Kelly and Uncle Andy, who got ordained just for us. The internet can be a magical place for such things, baby. It was a really fun couple of days, and we’d do it all over again in a heartbeat if given the chance. It’s been a lovely year of marriage. Your dad is a super husband, so I’m pretty pumped we chose each other and this path.

Yet the truth is, my love, that relationships are work. Some weeks are easy peasy, with very little effort involved. You find your groove in the flow of life together, and the rhythm of your relationship moves to a steady, satisfying beat. Other times require more strategy, sacrifice, and compromise than either party would probably prefer, and still other seasons demand a degree of heavy lifting that exercises and exhausts every part of your being: mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.  Those seasons can be tough. Those seasons might even make you question why in the world this whole marriage thing exists at all.

But we want you to know that it is all OK. Really! That floating back and forth between these levels of effort will never mean you are most definitely failing, or flailing or doomed. You’re being human, together. And that is a very challenging, imperfect place to dwell.

We hope someday you find a partner who makes you laugh as much as we do together. More than anything, we hope you connect with someone who truly sees you, encourages and respects your autonomy, and says “yea, that’s the girl for me” while proudly standing by your side on frequent, wild, soul expanding adventures.

We hope you choose to commit your life to a person in true partnership -- even if it isn’t through marriage specifically. We believe an act of deep, hard, mysterious connection can be both rewarding and transformative. It is a true act of courage, to be continuously vulnerable with another soul over the course of a lifetime. We hope you ask yourself: How much genuine attention, affection, and appreciation am I gifting my loved ones? How much do they feel my love, in the ways they’re uniquely hard wired to feel?

And, baby girl, (though this is a whole other letter topic in and of itself), it’s worth mentioning that if you cannot give and receive love in your partnership in the ways you both deserve, despite your best efforts, we hope you choose instead to forgive and let go; to allow one another the freedom to find these gifts elsewhere. This is an equally courageous act.

So, on the one year anniversary of our marriage, I thought I’d share with you the vows I spoke to your dad in our sacred ceremony. I stand by every word. I love him oh so much.

Bubba,

If someone would have told me fifteen years ago at the Sawmill YMCA summer camp, that the floppy haired, blue eyed babe called Mr. Brandon would someday be my husband, I would have told them they were nuts, then excused myself to the arts and crafts supply closet to do this ….(insert celebratory victory dance)

Yet here we are, certainly no longer teenagers, but still crushing on each other just the same. Brandon, you shine a light in my soul. I have always dreamed of an epic love story. But nothing I could have imagined would hold a candle to what we actually have.

What I find in you as a partner is the kind of man who loyally calls his beloved Grandmother every Sunday, not out of obligation, but rather deep respect and real friendship.

What I find in you is a man who puts his friends and family first, who understands and practices compassion, empathy, generosity towards all beings. A man of quality stands up for equality, and baby, you are one quality man.

What I find in you as a friend is a kind of weird to not just complement, but encourage my own -- Bubba, you are so, so weird. And I am eternally grateful for that.

With you I have learned that faith can’t be explained or understood, it has to be lived and risked.

So here is what I vow to you:

I will love you.

I will love you through 26 years of dietetics schooling, give or take. (Are you a doctor yet?)

I will love you through Philadelphia victories, and Philadelphia losses.

I will travel, explore, adventure with you. I will be playful + silly. I will love God, the earth, and it’s humans by your side. I will show our children the value in that choice.

I will take care of your family, as you take care of mine. And then I will take care of ours (starting with Ivy and all subsequent black labs).

I will live and risk with you, because my faith in our partnership requires nothing less.

As my beloved Whitney Houston sang: When the Lord asks me what I did with my life, I will say, I spent it with you.  Thank you for being my hope, my strength, and most of all - my joy. Thank you for loving me. And thank you for marrying me!

Merry Trishmas,

Mama

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