dear baby: everything is on loan

Dear baby,

Here we are in the final stretch of just me and you. It’s a tight squeeze, yea? But we’re making it work. Other mamas keep telling me I’ll be losing weight at this point, since eating becomes more difficult. Ha! Boy does that make me and your dad laugh. Those sweet mamas just don’t understand our secret dessert compartment which thrives off milkshakes and Girl Scout cookies. So far it’s been +5lbs in two weeks, our fastest gain yet, but nothing our stretch pants cannot handle.

I am trying my best to cherish every final, internal movement you gift me with...even when your butt finds its way under my rib or your foot nails me in whatever sensitive organ is closest.

I grew you within, and the wild, humbling, sacred process of this has been an honor to know.

This week I was scrolling on Instagram, a generally mindless past time your dad and I have vowed to limit once you’ve joined us earthside (for reasons we’ll explain later), when a passing food for thought from a yogi I follow stopped me in my tracks:

Absolutely Everything is On Loan.

The post goes on to list:

Your breath.
Your body.
Your friendships.
Your loved ones.
Your home.
Your experiences.
Your wealth.
Your privilege.
Your beliefs.
Your miracles.
Your expectations.
Your feet on the earth.

I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit, baby. I’ve been thinking how this very moment of you and me sharing a body is so temporary. That your presence within is absolutely on loan to me.

That you, sweet soul, are on loan to us.

This food for thought inspires deep gratitude, presence, and the practice of non attachment.

This food for thought reminds me of how temporary it all is; not in a panicky, carpe diem because it’s going to hell in a handbasket kinda way. But rather as a liberating permission slip to feel free, encouraged, to enjoy it...really soak it up...while it’s here, happening, live and in color. It’s an invitation to take care of these things with humility + curiosity. It’s a challenge to loosen any white-knuckle fear grip we have on the fantasy of how it “should” be.  A reminder to let go.

Or, perhaps more importantly, to let it be.

Your dad is on loan. Our Ivy is on loan (until they perfect magic dog-life extending drugs which we shall invest all our monies in, of course). The incredible earth we dwell on, full of wondrous creatures, sights, smells, landscapes, is on loan. Even the less-than-desirable bits of being human are on loan. Best case? To teach us, tear us open, give us the chance to grow deeper, higher, with clear intention and purpose.

Bubba and I keep saying “we don’t know what we don’t know”, somewhat as a calming mantra for all the mystery bound to unfold as you enter our lives.

I grew you within, but your being has undoubtedly already grown me, too. When you’re ready to meet your family, we will be ready, too.

Ready to learn.

Ready to love.

Ready to never take this loan for granted.


Always,

Mama

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