big news.

It was our second to last day in Bondi, Australia and B and I were exploring a few shops in our hostess' lovely sea side neighborhood; Me on the hunt for a last minute souvenir, B patiently carrying our beach gear in tow. Upon entering a small gifts boutique, I found a darling set of painted ceramic drawers within a blue wooden frame. I picked it up to examine closer, delighted at the find, and immediately gasped as I tilted the piece just a little...too...far...watching in horror as the middle drawer slid out of its frame, shattering to bits on the wood floor below.

I had been struggling against rising anxious thoughts all day (that did not seem to stem from any particular cause because, duh, I was on vacation after all), and this moment sent me utterly swirling. As I stooped to clean up the mess, fighting back tears while profusely apologizing to the shop owner, B gently took my shaking hand (sensing my irrational panic setting in big time) and said "Trish. It's OK. We can fix this...".  I purchased the now slightly imperfect piece out of clumsy guilt and we left for the beach. Where, for the next few hours, I sat next to my man under the Aussie sun, trying to slow down my thoughts and my heart rate.

I briefly touched on my anxiety a few months ago and to be honest, I don't want to cloud this post with a plethora of musings and introspections on that subject. I've got them, that's for sure! And I plan on revisiting the topic someday when it feels right. But for now, I mostly want to use this little story to share some really exciting news with you all.

Are you ready? Here it comes...

Last weekend B thoughtfully surprised me with a replacement piece for my souvenir--a tiny, handmade, ceramic drawer made by an artist he sought out to recreate it.

Swoon.

And because this is simply the type of man he is...because we have come to care for one another in ways that are so authentic, open, nuturing and genuinely "us"...because we are willing and able to hold space for each other in all our individually quirky and weird ways, we have decided to say goodbye to our days of long distance love and officially move in together. Or more specifically, B has bravely decided to pack up his life in Philadelphia to start a new chapter with me, here, in San Francisco!

{HUGE smile on my face just typing that}

With a change like this happening in just a few weeks, I am hyper aware my anxiety could make a mean attempt to get the best of me. I know that I have a tendency to remember less than sunny periods of my life and fearfully apply them to present day scenes; that I sometimes swim in a sea of regrets, when I should barely even be wading in them. I know the worry filled what if? game all too well, having played it so often over the years that my personal deck of self-doubt questions has begun to have a worn, vintage look. When it is no longer legible, I will likely, subconsciously, replace it with a fresh stack.

But here's the bit of truth that is helping me stay so clearheaded and elated about this big news...the truth that I'll carry with me from now until the day we unpack the last box:

Yes, it would be foolish to think there won't ever be trying times, or that a new set of challenges won't crop up once we shack up (sharing my studio apartment for the time being is basically going from long distance, to no distance!). But it would be equally, if not more, foolish to let the inevitable possibilities of hiccups stop me from being excited about this; from being so, so appreciative of him and our partnership. Something I did not expect (a slightly random reunion with an old high school crush) turned into something incredibly wonderful. So I can choose to either let fear and anxiety dictate my life, my choices and my happiness, or I can choose to just enjoy this process; to just enjoy each other as it all unfolds.

And enjoy is precisely what I plan to do.

The mildly amusing part about the replacement drawer that I would be remiss not to mention is that the measurements are actually slightly off (it's OK, babe!). Basically, it's not a perfect fit. And yet for me, it is pretty damn perfect. It is beautiful in both its hand painted, unique charm as well as what it stands for. The gesture of love and support it carries in its existence is one that I hope to continue exchanging regularly, especially as we begin our next grand adventure together.

Trusting, appreciating and enjoying.

I am one lucky girl, don't you think?

In Fearless Gratitude,

Trish