39/52

Who needs to see our smiling faces, when you've got such a glorious ocean & bridge view to focus on? (This is my attempt at a positive spin on the disappointment of a. this being a photo fail and b. this being the only darn pic taken last week, thus forcing me to post a photo fail.)

Oops.

Speaking of disappointment....

Things are not bad. 

Life is quite good, really.

But I've found myself faced with a few road blocks, or hiccups, or scenarios simply not playing out how I'd hoped. Things don't feel as light as I'd like them to be, despite my best efforts to be more in the flow.

Professionally, personally, physically -- disappointed is the best way to describe it.

Because of this, my most repeated sentiment has been:

"I just need a win."

Whenever I can't explain feeling like OK, yes, things are fine. Things are enough, and that is great for so many reasons. But things so clearly...in my mind and heart...have the potential to be bigger, better, healthier, more fulfilling. Things feel smaller than they're meant to be. -- when I know in my gut there is more to be had, in a way that feels right to me -- That's when just needing a win weighs heavily. 

In a session last night, my therapist and I talked extensively about this. What would a win look like in each area of my life? What am I doing to foster a winning environment, and what am I avoiding?

At one point, after many rounds of introspection, I finally told T that I'm tired of everything in my life out West (and some aspects just in general) requiring so much effort. It feels as though nothing is coming easily (besides my relationship with B, thank goodness) despite my consistent attempts to make it work, and I'm exhausted from feeling like I need to be in control in order to make shit happen, and then still am not getting anywhere. Or perhaps more accurately, anywhere I truly want to be.

This city is amazing, but gosh almighty just getting across town requires so much damn effort.

When can I sit in the back seat?, I moaned. When can I daydream, eyes on the scenery, relaxed in the back, trusting,  just enjoying the ride? Why am I always the one having to take the wheel to prove myself worthy, or to keep the peace or to stay in touch or get the opportunity? Why won't someone else out here take a turn, bet on me, and help make shit happen?

And then she nailed me.

"Maybe you won't get out of the driver's seat."

My old boss once gave me an odd compliment during one of my mini "I just need a win"  work meltdowns, that I still think about from time to time. He said, "It can suck to be good at your job -- everyone just assumes you've got it handled, even when you might be needing more support."

I think this sentiment applies to all areas of life -- we can be really good friends, lovers, co-workers, daughters, etc...and people may assume we've not only got it all under control, easily, but we enjoy being the one steering.

Here is a radical notion: Maybe I need to give up control for a hot minute.

Because that's really what it comes down to -- desperately craving to be in control, simply because I'm afraid of what will happen if I'm not. And by denying the chance for others to occasionally take the lead -- by not asking for whatever it is I want -- I'm not putting myself in a position to relax, flow, or grow. I'm only playing it small, and keeping possible "wins" at a distance.

Maybe I need to plop myself in the back seat and say hey, here's where I want to go -- at work, in my friendships, with my love, with family, adventure, hobbies, -- and then tell some of my life travel mates that I'm needing...trusting...them to help me make it happen.

Maybe I need to worry less about how smooth the drive is or how I look in the mirror or if my passengers may or may not be having fun and seriously ohmygoshpleasebehavingfun/doyoustill likeme?!

In coaching, we often ask a client "How can you make this be easy?". 

I think the answer for myself right now is to most importantly tell folks what I want. ASK them for what I want, regardless of how nervous it makes me. Instead of fearing disappointment, try to be more present for the ride.

And then take a back seat.

Windows down, snacks by my side, bare feet, eye spy, care-free back seat living.

At least for a few laps :)

In Gratitude,

Trish